The Things That I Want by Ashesh Mitra

Traffic lights change from red to yellow to green. When it’s green, the cars are clear to go. Until that time though, everything stalls. It has been like this for years now- an open-loop control system giving us direction when we drive

.

It got me wondering-are there traffic lights in our heads as well? Do we have a PLC in there? What tells the body to get up in response to the alarm? What tells the body that it’s raining and also time to dance?

What makes a human being happy? Straight A’s in college? His/her/their favourite band live in concert? A chat with a newfound friend, with whom emails are exchanged? Looking up at the sky yodelling “Wish You Were Here” or “Knocking on Heaven’s Door”?

I wish I knew. I look into the mirror and I see my face looking back. It is a face stamped with tiredness, with fear lines around the eyes; which I also find are lack luster. I go grab some tea and reboot my brain, which still makes me feel like a zombie. Although a functioning one; not one who spends his nights having nightmares about the people he loves or seeing himself dying.

They tell me this is nothing but a bump in the road. I agree. Itis nothing more than a bump in the road, but I am getting fed up now. So I asked myself-what are the things that I want?

The Things That I Want by Ashesh Mitra

A good book, some comforting music, to be able to meet my friends. I want to forget the bad and bring the good back, I want a nice stiff whiskey and some sirloin for dinner. More than all of these things, right now- I want Me.

The old me. The one who was not affected in any way by afflictions like this. The one who always knew what to say. The one who smiled from his soul and not just moved his mouth muscles.

Where is he? Where am I?

The Bilge Master