This is a story about a rat with an interesting narrative
style. It is written by my friend Rishav Paul who cooked it up for me when I
asked. Welcome Rishav to the blog people!
The Bilge Master
RATS!
Is the coast clear? Sniff sniff. It certainly seems
so. There’s no light—natural or artificial. The two legged beings must have
gone to sleep. Boy, are they scared of me! Talk about scaredy-cats! They’re
more scared of me than I am of cats, phew! But it sure is fun to dart around,
giving them glimpses, and then hearing them scream their shit out. The female has a particularly high pitched
scream. However, she’s also the one most active with a broom, chasing after me.
But they never learn. They used to keep food out in the open earlier, and they
still do. Tell me something. If you leave food uneaten, isn’t a hungry chap
gonna come along and gobble it up? And seriously, clothes? You’re gonna stop me
with pieces of cloth and plastics stuck in those holes and crevices? You know
I’m gonna chew through them in, like, an hour or two. My man Aesop wasn’t lying
when he wrote that story about some ancestor of mine saving an enormous lion from
the clutches of a hunter. King of the jungle, my ass! If you stupid enough to
fall into a trap set by these humans, you damn well save yourself, I say.
Anyway, the night’s still young. I got a couple of
my friends coming over for a party. We’re gonna polish off a couple of kebabs
that the young human didn’t bother to eat. I mean, come on, here we are, hungry
and starving, and here they waste food like some lordly kings who live in
mansions. I tell you, one of these days, rats are gonna take over the Earth,
just off the power of the food that these humans waste.
The other day, I saw a metal contraption with a
piece of cheese set in the middle of it. I literally rolled around on the floor
laughing. If they think they can catch us mice and rats with these puny shit
they call traps, they got another thing coming! I just cut up a few of their
plastic water bottles. Just to stick it to them, for wasting my time with those
traps. The girls were mightily impressed by my ‘feats of bravery’, and showed
off their long silky tails. My, my, they were a sight for sore eyes.
I just have to make a quick test run. See if there’s
anything else apart from a couple of kebabs for my friends. Whoops—a—daisy! OK,
I’m gonna scamper over to that cupboard. Yeah, yeah, there aren’t any traps
tonight. I’m glad I’ve kept myself in shape. I can run faster than ever before
over these mosaic floors now. And skidding; now that’s a load of fun! After
running for a while, you just retract your claws and slide! Smooth. Oh hello.
Its biscuits in a plastic can. Like shooting fish in a barrel, as the popular
adage goes. Oh my God, what is that big, hulking animal? Jerry in heaven,
that’s a cat! And it looks grumpy! Run for your lives, people! Scamper scamper,
left; scamper scamper, right. Zigzag is the name of the game. Whew, I’m outta
breath. This kitty just doesn’t give up. There’s a water outlet. Come on legs,
move faster. Oh no, those claws are gonna land on me! Full stretch, Stuart!
Aaand I’m in. Deep dark place, with a few lizards for company. Humans flush
their water out through this. No use swiping your paws now, pussy cat! I’m
gonna show him the finger! Yaah boo, sucks to you! Whoops, almost got me. OK,
enough for one night. I think I’m gonna stick with the kebabs alone. Gunnyt
guys!
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