Reasons to Marry a Bong Guy

In response to this article that one of my friends made me read this afternoon, here’s why marrying a Bong Guy is a good idea!

The reasons to marry a Bong Guy are numerous. Here are a few

1) He will probably show up at the wedding looking like this, so you can laugh at him and forget that you are being starved.



2) He may not be a Literature graduate, but he loves reading nonetheless and digs Tolstoy and Dostoevsky
3) He knows that Led Zeppelin and The Beatles or Bob Marley are musicians and Justin Beiber or Nicki Minaj are well…
4) He gets along with kids, so your nonod er chotto chele ceases to be a problem
5) Vivekananda Park er phuckhkawallah ore chena, kaji discounted phuckhka guaranteed!
6) In reference to 5, he will have Gelusil handy for just such a binge
7) He knows how to play the sitar and possibly owns a harmonium
8) His thakuma’s recipe file, with short cuts to most major recipes
9) Bargaining is second skin to him. Aatsho taka-r illish maach uni 300 taka te kine phirben
10) He rocks the pajama panjabi look and so will his kid, under his tutelage



11) Poilabaisakh er din e bari te ranna banna ebong khawa
12) He knows housework. Gone are the days when washing dishes was a task you had to do alone!
13) His elder brother is a globetrotter who sends him booze from Turkey
14) His uncle is ex-military and has a few stories to make your blood boil
15) His sister knows his deepest and darkest secrets. Cue insane afternoons filled with laughter!
16) He knows that this guy is the true James Bond, no matter how sexy Daniel Craig may be



17) He knows how to cook and is a master of a) kosha mangsho and b) chingri mach-er malai kari
18) He knows that the best mishti doi to be had is from Jadob Das on Rashbehari. This alone wins him brownie points
19) His friends will treat their boudi like the salt of the earth and will help with any problems any which way they can
20) A Bong means free sweets everytime something momentous happens. Complimentary ones on bijaya dashami

Now who could ask for more?

The Bilge Master

A Lexicon Left Unsaid

His life was gentle, and the elements

So mixed in him that Nature might stand up

And say to all the world, “This was a man.”

Julius Ceaser, by William Shakespeare

 

This poem is written is memory of someone I knew. He was the gentlest creature I knew. He was my brother and my friend. In a few days, I will go to a new house, where he has never been. I guess in a way this is what I would say to him…and he would say to me with his liquid eyes…

 

Hello there, my old friend,

Good to see you once again,

Of course it’s not really you, just me,

Obstinately holding on once again,

It’s just that despite all being said and done,

There are some words we haven’t exchanged,

And they will now remain…a lexicon left unsaid,

I know not of any other way to express,

A feeling I have tried in vain to supress,

Ever since you left, things have been strange,

I think you’re there, I call out your name,

And moan in frustration at the echoing of my own voice in vain,

I think, you and I, we were like the rain,

Soft and warm, continuing,

I see your face in the clouds now and then,

I just wish we could meet more often,

And you see friend, tomorrow I will be leaving,

Moving on when the dawn breaks,

And as for you, well I just hope you are happy,

And I’ll see you in the Octopus’ Garden someday

Flat No. 8B

I was feeling pretty excited today. We had just moved to this new flat in a totally new neighbourhood. I wanted to explore every nook and cranny of it ASAP. Since the unpacking was done, there was nothing to stop me from spending the entire day outdoors if I wished. So, after a hasty breakfast, off I went decked up in a pair of jeans and a tee.

My first stop was of course the local store to buy some chocolate. There was an old man there. He had gray eyes and white hair. He reminded me of Gandalf somehow.

“New here eh?”, he asked, with a slight wheeze.

“Yes. Just moved in. Flat number 5D.”

“Oh I see. I’m in flat number 8B. We’re practically neighbours! Say why don’t you come up for a quick cup of coffee?”

“I guess!”

So there I was 15 minutes later in some total stranger’s house, drinking some lovely coffee. He even cooled  it in South Indian style, using two tumblers and pouring the milky beverage first into one then the other.

“So, when did you move in?”, asked my companion.

“Just last week. Thursday I think.”

“Good. Oh by the way my name is Dan and I’m retired. I used to work in accounts.”

“Cool! My father’s a financier. Can’t say I like his brand of work though. I want to be an engineer.”

“That’s good. We need intelligent people like you out there. Keep us senile old people from committing too many blunders.”

Just as he finished speaking I got a text from Ma. She wanted me to come home and help set up the TV.

“Well sir, I guess that calls it a day”, I said to my new friend.

“Sir? Don’t “Sir” me laddie. Call me Dan! What are titles between friends?”

“OK Dan. See you around.”

Call me paranoid, but I felt a tiny chill as he grasped my hand. His eyes were still creepy. They were sort of blank. But when he smiled and asked me to come again, he seemed to genuinely mean it.

The funny thing is Dan and I really hit it off and most afternoons after school, I would drop by his house for a chat. Dan loved to talk. He went on about his family. His daughter had eloped, against his wishes when she was 16. He hadn’t heard from her in some time.  Dan was widowed. His wife had died of pneumonia in ’86.

Dan also lent an ear to my troubles. He asked about classes, crushes and bullies alike. Suffice to say, we became friends very quickly. He just never wanted to come meet my parents or allow me to return his hospitality.

“I’m too old laddie. My social radar’s off balance. I don’t think meeting your folks is a good idea. Now pass me that book there and I’ll tell you a tale that’ll astound you!” he said.

Now, I mentioned school. My least favourite subject there was maths. I didn’t get why I always flunked in it. I understood the stuff well enough. The teacher who taught at school wasn’t any help. He didn’t like me much. The dislike was mutual.

I brought this up one day, on one of my visits to Dan. There was a maths test next week on differential calculus. Needless to say I was not looking forward to it.

“Well laddie, maths is fun. Did anyone ever tell you that? In fact numbers are everywhere. Look around you. There’s a lot of maths going on here in this room. For example, the number of blades on the ceiling fan.The number of creaks my old joints make when I get up or sit down. Come now, what seems to trouble you about it?”

“Well Dan, I understand it well enough, but I somehow can’t seem to crack the sums. I make a mistake early on that jeapordizes the entire sum. Just the other day, I wrote 15 instead of 5.”, I said meekly.

“Well laddie, that’s common enough. You just need to look out for yourself. Now take this test. You said it’s differentiation. What part?”

“Maxima and Minima”

“OK imagine a pole vaulter. He takes part in the Olympic Games, wins the gold. Next year he wins it again. The third time it’s the silver. So his performance curve has started to dip. He was at his peak having won the gold twice in succession. Now he’s in the silver. The next time it’s bronze. Then suddenly, he gets disqualified. So he’s at the lowest point with reference to his performance curve- the minimum point. Now he comes back next year to take the bronze. Things are looking up. In the next 2 Olympics, he’s back at the top. Back at maximum. You see laddie? Whenever a curve hits maximum, it goes down. Then it hits minimum and starts back up again. The ol’ rock bottom play.  Make sense now?”

“Sort of. So I have to find the points where the curve is lowest and where it’s highest.”

“Yeah. Now based on the question, you need to use either the lowest or the highest value of the curve. That’s upto you laddie. Go with the question.”

“OK then. Let’s give it a whirl.”

And sure enough, somehow what he had said made some sense. I managed to do quite well on the test. My finals were coming up too. I spent my afternoons with Dan brushing up on my Maths. We would talk about vectors- he would point to a bird on the window; ask me to imagine an eagle in flight. When we did integrals, he talked of a surgeon putting a body back together. Permutations and combinations were a girl’s wardrobe to him. I loved the way he taught. It really did seem easy. My fears washed away. I became good at solving sums.

The finals were a breeze. I did fairly well. I goofed up a few sums but got a fair percentage. The first place I went to after the results were out was Dan’s. I was in for a surprise. The door was locked.

The building’s janitor was in the hallway, having a smoke. I asked him about flat 8B.

“Flat 8B? It’s been empty for years kid. An old man called Dan lived there. He was teaching his grandson maths and went to refill his cup of coffee. He fell in the kitchen and hurt his head. Died on the spot actually. People say it’s haunted or something. Either way, it’s never been lived in since.”

I was somewhat shocked. I had seen Dan just last week! How is it that Dan had been dead? Had he never existed?

Or could it be, that somehow he had been waiting for someone? Someone who like his grandson needed help with maths? Someone like me?

I wondered if I had seen a ghost on my way down to my floor. Ghost or not, one thing was clear. I would never be afraid of maths ever again.

The Bilge Master

If Supernatural Met Skyrim

DISCLAIMER- This is purely fan made. I do not own any of this. All property of their respective studios. Enjoy the epicness that is Skyrim, with a neat little twist in the form of Sam and Dean Winchester!

The Scene

Sam and Dean just iced this irritating Wendigo which happened to be living outside a video game store haunted by a poltergeist.  This is in December 2011 and it's Christmas. Being too tired to do anything else, they picked up a copy of Skyrim from the aforementioned video game store.

SAM- OK Dean she's good to go. Managed to get the DLC too.

DEAN- What the hell is DLC?

SAM- It's Downloadable Content. Nevermind. Just let's play!

DEAN- Sure thing, Britney. 

Unbeknownst to S+D, the poltergeist who shall henceforth be called Freddie has gotten himself into the game through the update 45 and has set a trap. A door that will suck the players into Skyrim during the character creation scene.

SAM- So Dean, I'm thinking Wood Elf. Always wanted to ape Legolas.

DEAN- Yeah go for it. As for me, I'm gonna be a Nord.

SAM- You mean NERD?

DEAN- Shut up and proceed, Legolas

Just then a power cut happens. When the power comes back, Sam and Dean find that they are no longer on the couch in the hotel room ,but in a cart being driven along a mountain road. beside them a man with his eyes blindfolded is sitting in a cramped position.

SAM- OK, what just happened? I mean how are we on a mountain, in a cart? 

DEAN- Must be your freaky DLC.

SAM- Are you saying we somehow got downloaded into SKYRIM? Dean this is bad!

DEAN- It's your idea. Duh. Course it's bad. Question is how did we get here?

SAM- Could be a poltergeist. OK let's try to figure out what happened here. (to man in the cart)- "Sir, who are you?"

DOHVAHKIN-I just got captured., on my way down from High Hrothgar. They say a dragon's been spotted nearby. They think I control it, since I'm Dragonborn. Foolish of me to be so reckless with my Thu'umm

DEAN- Whoa. There's Dragons here? And you are Dragonborn? Alright buster, your ass is mine! Sam where is my shotgun loaded with phoenix ash?

SAM- Wait. Is that even gonna work? 

DEAN- It worked on that bitch Eve. It'll work on this douche.

DOVAHKIN- Have care how you speak. FUS. RO. DA!

The cart overturns under the barrage of a fully powered Thu'umm. Dovahkin is first to his feet. He electocutes the guard and steals his bow and arrows, clothing himself in the tunic the guard wore. S+D, somewhat winded get to their feet.

SAM- OK what was that? You shouted and the cart...

DEAN- Got it's ass kicked. Freaky! Ok mister, watch what you say to me.  I mean sticks and stones may break my bones, but it seems here that words will nuke me! What does FUS YODA mean anyway? Yoda is a short dude with whiskers for hair!

DOVAHKIN- Well it's a Thu'umm. A Shout in the ancient Dragon tongue. I use these Thu'umms since I am Dragonborn.

DEAN- You mean, you hatched out of a dragon egg? GROSS! So what only Excalibur can kill you now? Coz in that case we are screwed. I blew Excal up!

SAM- Dean, I think if he wanted to kill us, we'd already be dead.

DEAN- Have I taught you nothing Sammy? Never trust weirdos, especially those who have a penchant for throwing temper tantrums.

DOVAHKIN- I have no time for this. Either you help me bring down Alduin or we part ways. Choose. Also what is that you are wearing. That raiment is unusual. Are you from elsewhere? I have not seen your kind in Skyrim.

SAM- Who is Alduin?

DOVAHKIN- A Dragon. I am sworn to kill him you see. It is my destiny. I have learned the necessary Thu'umm. I head now to Sovengard to confront this tyrant and end his rule.

DEAN- So we have to kill a dragon. Great. Well, at least we can take the Impala.

SAM- I doubt the Impala made it here Dean. This is a video game!

DEAN- Just get it using one of those DLC things.

SAM- Yeah you mean a mod Dean. It doesn't work that way. Not here at least.

DEAN- Sam. All our weapons are in the Impala.

DOVAHKIN- Wait. If it's weapons you need, come with me to Whiterun. I have a stash at my house. Also, my wife Serana would like to meet you. Perhaps she could help you with your quest, being over 8 centuries old.

DEAN- Wait. 8 centuries. Is she a vampire?

DOVAHKIN- Why yes. My son, Ardyuul would also be of assistance.

DEAN- So, you a Dragonborn, your wife a vampire. So what does that make your son? Dra-vamp? Vam-a-kin? Nosfera-doo? 

SAM- Dean. Calm down. I mean who cares?

DEAN- Sam. This is weird. I'm in a VIDEO GAME, meant to make me forget the shit I do for a living. Instead I'm neck deep in the shit I do for a living. IN A VIDEO GAME! Do NOT tell me to calm down!

By this time, our ragtag band of companions have reached Whiterun. Just outside the gates of the city, they are confronted by Alduin.

DEAN- That is one BIG ass ugly dragon Sam.

SAM- Shut up Dean. It'll hear you.

ALDUIN- I see you have stooped to the level of mere mortals in desperation. Give up now. You cannot defeat me.

DOVAHKIN- We shall see, Betrayer. 

ALDUIN- Meet me at Sovengard, if you dare. I'm waiting. Bring your friends. A tasty morsel they will be.

DOVAHKIN- Challenge accepted!

Having robed himself in Obsidian armor and further perfected his Thu'umm, the Dovahkin prepares to face Alduin at Sovengard. Just then, Sam realizes that the Thu'umm is actually opening the portal back to the real world. 

SAM- Hey! That's our ticket out of here!

DEAN- What? Mr. Dragonborn's saliva?

SAM- Yes Dean, it's opening some kind of portal back to the real world

DEAN- So now I have to walk through this guy's breath? Ugh. I hope you brush dude. 

DOVAHKIN- Well, if that is the case, then perhaps the actual place to open the portal would be at Sovengard. I have heard tales of another world lying there hidden from us.

SAM- Yes, that makes sense. Remember the Hellgate Dean? All doorways have a specific location in the real world.

DEAN- I hear you Sammy. But you no making sense. Still I kicked your ass at football, so I guess you can kick mine at this stuff. Nerd.

SAM- Let's just get outta here bro.

The trio travel to Sovengard, where the Dovahkin and Alduin meet on the battlefield. Sam and Dean take cover behind a ruined cathedral.

SAM- Now remember, there has to be two triggers. One when the Dragonborn shouts. Two when the dragon replies.

DEAN- WHAT? I have to run into a dragon's maw? That's like that scene in Dragonheart! No way man.

SAM- Dean. Don't be a wimp.

DEAN- Sam. Dragons breathe fire. What part of that did they not teach you at law school?

SAM- They don't teach this shit in law school. God Dean. Grow up.

DEAN- OK. Just this one time, I'm gonna charge at a dragon full tilt.

Just then the battle begins. Dovahkin lets loose his shout. Our heroes, S+D begin their sprint. Alduin opens his maw. A jet of flame comes cascading out. 

DEAN- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHAAAHAHHHAAAHHAHAHAH

A blinding flash of light, and Sam and Dean find themselves back in their hotel room.

DEAN- I am NEVER playing video games again.

SAM- I think we should stick to this stuff in the real world. We would be better at it.

DEAN- YES

SAM- Shall we hit the road then?

DEAN- Yes. I'm driving. I need some time with the Impala to soothe my nerves.

And if you wanna know what they did next, check out the new season of Supernatural. Skyrim and it's DLC's are also available at a store near you. 

The Bilge Master