DISCLAIMER- This is purely fan made. I do not own any of this. All property of their respective studios. Enjoy the epicness that is Skyrim, with a neat little twist in the form of Sam and Dean Winchester!
The Scene
Sam and Dean just iced this irritating Wendigo which happened to be living outside a video game store haunted by a poltergeist. This is in December 2011 and it's Christmas. Being too tired to do anything else, they picked up a copy of Skyrim from the aforementioned video game store.
SAM- OK Dean she's good to go. Managed to get the DLC too.
DEAN- What the hell is DLC?
SAM- It's Downloadable Content. Nevermind. Just let's play!
DEAN- Sure thing, Britney.
Unbeknownst to S+D, the poltergeist who shall henceforth be called Freddie has gotten himself into the game through the update 45 and has set a trap. A door that will suck the players into Skyrim during the character creation scene.
SAM- So Dean, I'm thinking Wood Elf. Always wanted to ape Legolas.
DEAN- Yeah go for it. As for me, I'm gonna be a Nord.
SAM- You mean NERD?
DEAN- Shut up and proceed, Legolas
Just then a power cut happens. When the power comes back, Sam and Dean find that they are no longer on the couch in the hotel room ,but in a cart being driven along a mountain road. beside them a man with his eyes blindfolded is sitting in a cramped position.
SAM- OK, what just happened? I mean how are we on a mountain, in a cart?
DEAN- Must be your freaky DLC.
SAM- Are you saying we somehow got downloaded into SKYRIM? Dean this is bad!
DEAN- It's your idea. Duh. Course it's bad. Question is how did we get here?
SAM- Could be a poltergeist. OK let's try to figure out what happened here. (to man in the cart)- "Sir, who are you?"
DOHVAHKIN-I just got captured., on my way down from High Hrothgar. They say a dragon's been spotted nearby. They think I control it, since I'm Dragonborn. Foolish of me to be so reckless with my Thu'umm
DEAN- Whoa. There's Dragons here? And you are Dragonborn? Alright buster, your ass is mine! Sam where is my shotgun loaded with phoenix ash?
SAM- Wait. Is that even gonna work?
DEAN- It worked on that bitch Eve. It'll work on this douche.
DOVAHKIN- Have care how you speak. FUS. RO. DA!
The cart overturns under the barrage of a fully powered Thu'umm. Dovahkin is first to his feet. He electocutes the guard and steals his bow and arrows, clothing himself in the tunic the guard wore. S+D, somewhat winded get to their feet.
SAM- OK what was that? You shouted and the cart...
DEAN- Got it's ass kicked. Freaky! Ok mister, watch what you say to me. I mean sticks and stones may break my bones, but it seems here that words will nuke me! What does FUS YODA mean anyway? Yoda is a short dude with whiskers for hair!
DOVAHKIN- Well it's a Thu'umm. A Shout in the ancient Dragon tongue. I use these Thu'umms since I am Dragonborn.
DEAN- You mean, you hatched out of a dragon egg? GROSS! So what only Excalibur can kill you now? Coz in that case we are screwed. I blew Excal up!
SAM- Dean, I think if he wanted to kill us, we'd already be dead.
DEAN- Have I taught you nothing Sammy? Never trust weirdos, especially those who have a penchant for throwing temper tantrums.
DOVAHKIN- I have no time for this. Either you help me bring down Alduin or we part ways. Choose. Also what is that you are wearing. That raiment is unusual. Are you from elsewhere? I have not seen your kind in Skyrim.
SAM- Who is Alduin?
DOVAHKIN- A Dragon. I am sworn to kill him you see. It is my destiny. I have learned the necessary Thu'umm. I head now to Sovengard to confront this tyrant and end his rule.
DEAN- So we have to kill a dragon. Great. Well, at least we can take the Impala.
SAM- I doubt the Impala made it here Dean. This is a video game!
DEAN- Just get it using one of those DLC things.
SAM- Yeah you mean a mod Dean. It doesn't work that way. Not here at least.
DEAN- Sam. All our weapons are in the Impala.
DOVAHKIN- Wait. If it's weapons you need, come with me to Whiterun. I have a stash at my house. Also, my wife Serana would like to meet you. Perhaps she could help you with your quest, being over 8 centuries old.
DEAN- Wait. 8 centuries. Is she a vampire?
DOVAHKIN- Why yes. My son, Ardyuul would also be of assistance.
DEAN- So, you a Dragonborn, your wife a vampire. So what does that make your son? Dra-vamp? Vam-a-kin? Nosfera-doo?
SAM- Dean. Calm down. I mean who cares?
DEAN- Sam. This is weird. I'm in a VIDEO GAME, meant to make me forget the shit I do for a living. Instead I'm neck deep in the shit I do for a living. IN A VIDEO GAME! Do NOT tell me to calm down!
By this time, our ragtag band of companions have reached Whiterun. Just outside the gates of the city, they are confronted by Alduin.
DEAN- That is one BIG ass ugly dragon Sam.
SAM- Shut up Dean. It'll hear you.
ALDUIN- I see you have stooped to the level of mere mortals in desperation. Give up now. You cannot defeat me.
DOVAHKIN- We shall see, Betrayer.
ALDUIN- Meet me at Sovengard, if you dare. I'm waiting. Bring your friends. A tasty morsel they will be.
DOVAHKIN- Challenge accepted!
Having robed himself in Obsidian armor and further perfected his Thu'umm, the Dovahkin prepares to face Alduin at Sovengard. Just then, Sam realizes that the Thu'umm is actually opening the portal back to the real world.
SAM- Hey! That's our ticket out of here!
DEAN- What? Mr. Dragonborn's saliva?
SAM- Yes Dean, it's opening some kind of portal back to the real world
DEAN- So now I have to walk through this guy's breath? Ugh. I hope you brush dude.
DOVAHKIN- Well, if that is the case, then perhaps the actual place to open the portal would be at Sovengard. I have heard tales of another world lying there hidden from us.
SAM- Yes, that makes sense. Remember the Hellgate Dean? All doorways have a specific location in the real world.
DEAN- I hear you Sammy. But you no making sense. Still I kicked your ass at football, so I guess you can kick mine at this stuff. Nerd.
SAM- Let's just get outta here bro.
The trio travel to Sovengard, where the Dovahkin and Alduin meet on the battlefield. Sam and Dean take cover behind a ruined cathedral.
SAM- Now remember, there has to be two triggers. One when the Dragonborn shouts. Two when the dragon replies.
DEAN- WHAT? I have to run into a dragon's maw? That's like that scene in Dragonheart! No way man.
SAM- Dean. Don't be a wimp.
DEAN- Sam. Dragons breathe fire. What part of that did they not teach you at law school?
SAM- They don't teach this shit in law school. God Dean. Grow up.
DEAN- OK. Just this one time, I'm gonna charge at a dragon full tilt.
Just then the battle begins. Dovahkin lets loose his shout. Our heroes, S+D begin their sprint. Alduin opens his maw. A jet of flame comes cascading out.
DEAN- AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAHHHHAAAHAHHHAAAHHAHAHAH
A blinding flash of light, and Sam and Dean find themselves back in their hotel room.
DEAN- I am NEVER playing video games again.
SAM- I think we should stick to this stuff in the real world. We would be better at it.
DEAN- YES
SAM- Shall we hit the road then?
DEAN- Yes. I'm driving. I need some time with the Impala to soothe my nerves.
And if you wanna know what they did next, check out the new season of Supernatural. Skyrim and it's DLC's are also available at a store near you.
The Bilge Master
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