I started to maintain a diary during lockdown and the first set of entries are as follows. Please have a read and stay strong. 2021 is coming soon!
The Bilge Master
Entry 1
It is ironic that in such times I am reading a book called The End of Eternity. But then again I have always been a tad ironic, bordering on eccentric.
I don't know when my life will return to normal. I don't know when I will be allowed to go back to my work. I don't know when I'll knock back a lemonade at a cafe I love to go to. But this isn't about the don't knows. In fact I don't know what this is, just that it's being written.
I suppose I am trying to come out of a shell I had constructed a few weeks ago when I was randomly sent home from where I actually live in Kolkata. Initially it was kind of weird and I did throw a few tantrums. However, being here in my own room, with the hand drawn Lord of the Rings poster above my bed has made me feel a few things.
Above all, I feel grateful. I feel grateful to be alive. I feel grateful for four appendages. I feel grateful about being able to write more and see people appreciate my writing. I feel grateful that I am eating my mother's cooking again. It's the little things like these that make up life. Life isn't the trophy wife or the Gallardo in the driveway. It's more about visiting the little shaded corner of the campus, sitting under a tree and thinking about your favorite song.
Now that I have time on my hands, I am also working on learning French using the Duolingo app on the Playstore.
I know this is temporary. I know I will have to leave one day. But that day is not today. Today I can lean back against a pillow, pick up a good book, brew a cup of coffee and read.
Perhaps the most important thing this situation has taught me is that life is actually simple, but it's we who end up complicating it. Maybe we all should take this time and retrospect a little. Look inside and find some joy. Look around and find some peace. One day we will all have to go somewhere. Until that day, let's just live a little. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One second at a time.
Entry 2
There is so much talent out there in the world. People are brewing alcohol at home. Some are making sweets from scratch. Art is rampant. Stories of this time spent in isolation with you and only you will ring out forever.
Nature is healing from what we have done to her. Animals are coming out of hiding. It's their planet too, y'know. Just because we possess more intelligence than them, doesn't mean we get to take away their home.
3 weeks of lockdown later, you should see the silence. The utter abscence of noise. I go for walks sometimes and the crows on the pavment don't give a damn. I can hear my own footsteps echo.
When the noise comes back, I wonder if I shall welcome it or forsake it.
Entry 3
My second cousin lives in Canada with her Gujrati husband Nirav Shah. They've had a baby. His name is Arjun. I met Arjun on a Zoom call a few weeks ago, amid lockdown. He's adorable. He had had his vaccination shots and was sleeping with his head tucked into Shreya Di's stomach. Occasionally he would purr like a cat with a belly full of cream.
As most of you know, one day I found myself on a roof wondering if I should step forward and resume my love affair with gravity, or step back and continue the wrecking ball swing that was my life at that point. You also know the circumstances and outcome of that decision.
That Zoom call with my family- some in Canada, some in Atlanta, others in Delhi and Bombay (yes I know they call it Mumbai now, but I'm calling it Bombay) was an eye opener. A much needed one. It reminded me that I have a lot to live for. I don't intend to go without living as much as I can in this life.
It's amazing what a baby can do to you
Entry 4
Lockdown extended yet again. Contemplating a lot of stuff now. When will normalcy return to us is foremost. However I'm taking the time to right a few wrongs and move on from stuff I cannot change. I need closure and I need ro start looking ahead, using only the lesson that yesterday taught me as a yardstick.
I feel like I've shed my skin, the one in which all my secrets were buried. I remember what Unohana said to Kenpachi about how he was akin to a toddler. I'm starting over and it feels good.
I won't let the blues get in the way of my having a good time. I just have to be honest. Can't be that hard.
Entry 5
I know life is hard right now. I know some of you are struggling. Normal doesn't seem real anymore, it seems like a dream. Tempers are frayed and arguments are rampant.
Hold on. Play a song. Watch a funny movie. Sleep.
Maybe we'll have to live with this virus for the rest of our lives. Maybe we won't. I'm not a doctor. But whatever is out there, it's not the end of the world yet.
Remember that the sun will shine tomorrow. Let the light in. Stay positive. Stay safe. Stay vigilant. Believe in yourself. We'll get through this.
Entry 6
I'm going to start this by making a mistake and calling tea chai tea. I know they're one and the same but I just got a cup and I'm going to drink it as I write.
This is the tale of a vampire that I have allowed to suck on my blood and broken bone marrow for ages. As a teen I was not very confident in my abilities. I found solace in music and books while my peers found ways to extort me into passing their exams.
"We'll feed you samosas", they said as I helped them cheat their way to hookah bars and restaurants. Poor naive me. Ah well.
But today, I look back at where I am and how far I've come and I remember the lines of the song K'naan sang
"When I get older I will be stronger
They'll call me freedom just like a wavin' flag"
I am happy to say that I have found a place to bury the post to which my flag is tethered. It's taken me 26 years to find the place and I am overjoyed.
The vampire is dead. Her blood stains the wooden stake in my hands. I am human again. I am free. I am free to continue my journey with my band of fellow travellers.
Come with us to a place high on a desert plane, where the streets have no name.
Entry 7
Some say life will steal your crown and some say life will take away your crown of thorns. Perhaps all it takes to make lemonade out of life's lemons is one good day.
A good lunch, a decent sleep, a long walk with a Great Dane for company and your phone's shuffle mode playing Roadhouse Blues and Wanted Dead or Alive one after the other; and the comfort of a good book to snuggle up with.
Yes, life can be a pain in the rear, but at least you get days like this...when you can still feel alive and can't wait to get outside.
The tour is over (almost) and we will survive
Entry 8
I feel like the last year which is about to give up the ghost has changed everything for everyone. Some people have lost things that meant the world to them. Some people have found things that have started to mean the world to them.
More than anything, I have been reminded how lucky I am to be alive in the wake of an invisible disease that has taken nearly 2 lakh people from just my country.
I have connected with people, written a lot, experimented with stuff and I have come to realize that the person writing this at 1AM on December 23rd 2020 is the person he is because of everything that happened to him since he was born.
I would not be what and who I am today without the ventilator, the health issues, the confidence boosts my friends gave me. My brain wouldn't have been able to understand itself without having to deal with the angst of my early teens to early twenties.
I am grateful to 2020 for teaching me that what matters the most is being at peace, even if it means severing ties with people and thinking of yourself for once. It's also taught me that if you look hard enough, and do your work properly and of course have a little faith and a lot of patience, something will happen to you.
It's odd that the people in my life right now came into it when I wasn't looking for them. They guided me onto a path but respected me enough to let me decide if I wanted to walk it. Every time I stumbled, they picked me up. Every time I wanted guidance, someone gave it.
I have had a lonely life. I was scared of growing old, thinking I would be alone and misunderstood.
I now know that was bollocks. I just wasn't ready or mature enough to appreciate the fact that I had people watching over me. Genuine people, who would forgive my mistakes and support me and help me grow.
I don't need to tag them because they know who they are.
I am grateful. I am at peace. Come at me life. I want to live you. I want to experience you. I want to explore you. I want to understand you.
And I know that I am not alone anymore. Whatever lies ahead, I know I can handle it.
So I just want to say, thank you. To everyone. For everything.
