Coming Out of the Tunnel Part Two

“Memory’s so treacherous. One moment you’re lost in a carnival of delights with poignant childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candyfloss. The next it leads you somewhere you don’t want to go, somewhere dark and cold, filled with the dark ambiguous shapes of things you’d hoped were forgotten.”

~Joker in The Killing Joke

Sometimes I ponder about this quote. It’s a perfect description of what I said in the first part of this series. What you lock away affects how you feel.

You see this thing that I have, this bastard in my head, it doesn’t like the light of the outdoors or of a fluorescent lamp. It doesn’t like laughter, cheery dispositions and happiness. All of these things make it weak. So what it does is force its host to lock these things away, sometimes forcibly making the host remember the place that is dark and cold filled with these ambiguous shaped forgotten things.

How does one fight back against such an onslaught? To tell you the truth, I had no idea myself and I was trapped in the vice this thing had put me into. However, thanks to my parents, friends and doctor I have found a way out of this prison and am planning my escape. You see, I know where this thing hurts. It demands attention; it literally begs you for it. Take that away and this becomes nothing but a pile of ashes.

Acceptance is a big part of this fight. Yeah these bad things happened and will happen in the future possibly. But don’t let that take your happiness from you, or your mental capacities. In this battle all you need to do is do something you like doing. For example, I recently opened my textbooks again and they welcomed me like a long lost friend. I cannot study for too long but I can study for a short while. That is where the victory is.

We are so busy thinking about the future and where we will be and scrutinizing the big picture in our minds that we forget the little things-a smile, a laugh, a good song, a great book, family, friends-happiness can be found in the small things, if only you choose to look at them. After all drops make oceans.

As always this quote drives me- “Don’t let the bastard win”.

The Bilge Master