An Attempt to Raise Awareness About Suicide

In a fictional TV series, a fictional psychiatrist tells a fictional surgeon that he had a patient who used to hear voices in his head asking him to commit suicide. "In the end, the psychiatrist says, he went into a room and listened to the voices".

Life can often become overwhelming. The stress of a job, the stress of studies, the weight of expectations laid on your shoulders can serve to bog you down and in some cases lead you on the path to a very dark place.

I remember sitting in my room one day with a bottle of aftershave in my hands, debating with myself whether or not to gulp it down.  In the end, I did gulp t down and I remember my stomach burning and my breath smelling like lemons.

I did not die, but at that time my only wish was to die. A few years later, I had the same thought. This time, I knew drinking aftershave wouldn't do the trick so I decided to take a prescription to a few of the local drug stores and buy sleeping pills. I remember buying about fifty of them and a bottle of Coke and then calling my father and telling him I was about to take the pills. My father talked me out of it.

I did not die.

I am not here to tell you that suicide is bad. I do not know what goes on in the mind of a person who has lost faith to that extent where he or she wants to take their lives. However, I have been in dark places and suffered and am still suffering from depression. Over the course of this suffering thoughts about taking my life have gone into my head and wreaked havoc. I have had to be sedated and kept under observation.

I have felt angry with myself, longed for release and when these thoughts come into my head I desperately seek shelter in music or in my parents. I am writing this as an effort to raise awareness about suicide. It isn't about whether it is the right answer or solution to everyone's problem. Suicide is more complex than that. It's a series of thoughts that enter and possess you. But it can be fought and the thoughts can be driven away.

I will now return to the fictional TV series and the doctor. In another episode we meet a young man whose face is scarred badly owing to an explosion occurring near him. He wants to die. He tries to kill himself twice in the same episode but fails. Finally the doctor takes an oxygen mask and clamps it to the patient's face and turns up the dial. Immediately, the man starts fighting back and rips the mask off his face and calls the doctor crazy. This is the part where I learnt a very important thing.

The part of you that wants to hold on to life is stronger than the part of you that wants to end it. Remember this.

If at any point of time, you feel worthless remember that ice cream exists and go and buy one and have it. If at any time you are angry or frustrated with yourself, take a walk and listen to the radio. If these thoughts persist, seek help. It is okay to feel like this.

Life is special. It's precious. Breathe. Live. Don't stop believing. Love. It's going to be okay.

The Bilge Master