It has been sporadic to say the least, because I was away for a while and took a vacation. You can find the details of the books I got on the trip here.
The reason this post is titled Haunted Houses is because I just found out that the Porcupine Tree song Lazarus from their album Deadwing is about a mother who comes back from the dead, in the form of a specter to take her son with her to the place where people go when they die. You can check out my brief review of Deadwing here. Funnily enough, I am reminded of the lines from T.S. Eliot's poem The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock as I type this.
So the thing is, I have been having some issues with mental health recently and I always take to pen and paper when I feel like this, so here I am back again to irritate you all, just as Lazarus came from the dead to say something to us all in the Bible and in Eliot's poem. I kind of feel like Lazarus myself right now, having renounced (or being in the process of renouncing) certain thought patterns, realizing certain habits had made me toxic and feeling overall a sense of guilt and shame. I had always bragged at the top of my voice that my mother never deserved a son like me. It was just the other day that I thought to myself for the first time that perhaps I could have been a better son, a more understanding son and suddenly that thought process has made me suddenly feel like a big weight is off my mind. I sort of feel like there is a lot for me to unlearn as opposed to learn, that I know very little of the people in the country that I live in and have lived as a national of for almost 30 years.
I do know that I do not want to enter my thirties with this kind of energy. And if you've got this far, allow me to quote from Cohen a little, when I say that
"You see I'm just another snowman
Standing in the rain and sleet
Who loved you with his frozen love
With all he is and all he was
A thousand kisses deep"
Now plenty of people tell me that there is a process I must adopt, that steps must be taken, but I am reminded of the saying that charity must begin at home and therefore I wish to focus on this unlearning. I do not want to be angry anymore, or scared, or insecure and I want to accept that I am not alone anymore, not really.
And now you see why this post is truly titled Haunted Houses because the ghost is me, the house is my mind and the exorcist isn't coming. So perhaps, I must be the one to clean up my own messes and stop holding myself back, something that Zaraki was taught by Unohana.
I had YouTube open as I wrote this and the song that's currently playing is the song my mother and I used to dance to when I had just discovered rock music properly- Queen's Radio Ga Ga.
Ma, I don't know where you are right now and I hope Chuni is with you and all the others you must have lost in your life, but hey I want you to know that I want to stop blaming you like I did all the time and I want to be a better human. I won't let your memory die, Ma. And so this last song that just came on, is for you, from me. Rest well, Ma
This is a significant step in your journey of self healing. All my blessings to you.
ReplyDeleteAnd lots of luck to your dear friend!