Don't Let the Bastard Win

In the year 2015, my life changed. It practically came to a stop. I could not attend college properly, my friends and I were having arguments and my family always faced bitterness from me.

My father took me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with acute bipolar disorder or if you prefer it manic depression. This began a journey into a dark place, with many ups and downs- more ups than downs and it has been two years since that diagnosis was made.

In these two years, I have been depressed like the Dickens . I forgot what happiness was and every day  I would wake up with a prayer that somehow I would survive till the day ended. I was put on a battery of medication and they served to turn me into a drugged zombie with barely enough strength left mentally to exist.

But, I started to explore this dark place I was in, armed with just a matchstick. I looked for light. Many matchsticks burnt out. Thousands of them turned to ash and splintered wood, but I still laboured on.

I was assaulted by demons from my past memories. They tugged away at me and forced me to relive my worst times. In sleep there was no respite as the demons visited me in form of nightmares.

Quite a pretty picture I've painted and I wonder what you're thinking right now dear reader. Does this story have an end? Did he get out alive or is this someone else writing for him? The answers to those two questions are yes, the story has an end and no this is still me writing this.

I was taken to different psychiatrists and even carted off to Bangalore to figure out a way out of this predicament. Nothing seemed to be working. I was stagnant, with the depression still very much there, sitting on my shoulder like a ghost. It was strong and it was angry that I was fighting it. I was indeed locked in battle with it, for a TV show I'd seen called M*A*S*H gave me a mantra to fight back.

Don't let the bastard win.

Those five words meant a lot to me, as much as other advice. They became a weapon- a pickaxe with which I could hack away at the walls of the darkness shrouding my mind. I should mention here that my friends and family were forever at my side and their unwavering support- just the idea of their faces in my mind gave me strength to survive. They didn't do much- maybe answer a call, reply to a WhatsApp immediately or just be a name I could recall at will; but all of those tiny droplets of kindness integrated into a large ocean which became a weapon against the darkness.

And there was of course- Don't let the bastard win.

A year  and a half passed by. I remained at home, with no college apart from just attending the semester exams which I somehow passed. My depression continued to sit there but its degree had lessened. I was laughing again and on some days I did exist.

A friend of mine was struggling too. She and I used to talk on a regular basis and still do about our illnesses. Someone else who was going through the same pain as I was. This bond that formed helped me. I had to be there for her and that gave me a drive which helped in the fight. By this time, my pickaxe had drilled a hole in the darkness through which I could see a chink of light. Things were on the mend.

Then sometime in 2016's second half, something happened which brought the depression on again. I do not remember what it was however and I was asked to go to a nursing home and be kept under observation by my shrink.

We changed doctors again.

This time I was third time lucky. I was given the proper medicines, counselled properly and I was listening to what the others said instead of being lost in myself. The song Fade to Black describes the first half of 2016 correctly while the second half was more like Summer of '69. I was thinking about my past and wondering where I went wrong instead of enjoying the summer like Bryan Adams wanted me to (again Fade to Black).

I pause here and rack my memory. 2016 had ended and 2017 had begun. I'd passed my latest semester with decent grades. This acted as a booster. I am very close to the present day now. I passed my final semester exam and cleared all backlogs.

And one day, after almost two and a half years- I told my depression to take a hike.

I had to go back to people I hadn't spoken to for years and have conversations with them and apologize in some cases so that I could lay the flayed memories to rest.

My present status is this- I am a graduate with one exam pending, looking for a job and I am at peace- both mentally and physically. It has been a long struggle and a very strong battle like 

Gandalf's fight with Durin's Bane in The Fellowship of the Ring.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank each and every individual who stood by my side. I needed that faith you had in me and I am grateful to know people like you and have people like you in my life.

I may not be a lot of things, but I am Ashesh Mitra. Here I am and this is me. I am back after a long hiatus and I missed being me.

I dedicate this to anyone out there who is facing issues or struggling. Seek help. Talk. I was gone. I am back. It can be beaten. Do not give up. If you ever need to talk, send me a message on Facebook. The relevant link is in the blog widget.

Above all- Don't let the bastard win.